The State of My Affairs

My life and the men in my life make me so confused:

 

The Boyfriend?  I suppose that I still refer to him as the "Boyfriend" should suggest my confusion over our relationship.  I say "my" because I'm not really sure the Boyfriend is all that confused.  We're not currently living together, but then again I'm over there three to four times a week for dinner.  We talk daily on the phone.  And sex, when it does happen, I am almost always the aggressor, like usual.  Aside from not seeing my lovely face every morning (that's me being funny because I am not a morning person), not that much has changed for him.  If anything, from his perspective, it's probably an improvement.  He still gets laid as often as before.  And he gets his space.

 

Harley?  Harley resurfaced last weekend.  A brief text, like he had never been away, asking me how I was doing.  Whenever Harley begins to reappear, he always does a little recon before fully surfacing.  If I seem mad or distant, then he goes back under for a little longer.  I probably sound a little bitter.  I guess I am, sometimes more than others.  I love Harley and there's no point in my denying that, I suppose.  I accept that we'll never be together.  I decided a while back that I wasn't ready to end it yet, so I'm trying to enjoy what we have until it does end.  Therapist tells me I will know when that time is.  It isn't now though.

 

Miami?  Y'all have never heard of Miami.  No real reason to include him except that we probably touch base every day.  Aside from that, not much to tell.  I met him at a workshop many many months ago.  Nothing happened.  We emailed for a while and things grew increasingly warmer in the emails and texts.  That's all its been though.  Just being friends and playing around.  Who knows though.

 

Tree?  I sometimes think Tree might be the most normal relationship I've had in a while.  Nobody makes me feel the way Harley does.  But Tree is funny.  We've gone out a few times.  Yes, actual dates.  We're talking movies and dinner type stuff.  I haven't written anything about my dates out w Tree because, well, there really isn't much to write.  We hold hands at the movies.  We neck some.  Tree looks for opportunities to touch my boobs.  It gets kind of funny to me actually.  We might be watching a movie (Tree loves movies you might be guessing), holding hands, and I will eventually feel his arm moving until its brushing up against my boob.  Sometimes I let him go through olympic type efforts, other times I just press into him to make his day instead.  He's not tried to take things further yet.

 

I'm feeling a bit down tonight.  Another old friend texted me out of the blue today.  She was thanking me for being her friend and that she never told me how much she appreciated my support.  Now, I have not spoken to her, or had any contact w her, in two years.  But I know that tone.  I get sentimental like that myself when I'm really sad.  I asked her what was up.  She eventually began telling me about her husband wanting a divorce.  She adores this guy.  Always has.  I don't really understand what happened, but she was heartbroken over how angry their divorce was being and how "evil" he was being towards her.  It just got me bummed.  They moved away is why we grew apart, but I always liked her a lot and I hurt for her.  Sorry for rambling.  It just got me pondering the men in my life.