Sunday, September 9, 2012


I wrote this post several weeks ago. 
Mom died.
She died last year, August 24th to be exact. And I suppose it was probably one of the main reasons I stopped posting. I did not post about it then because . . . well . . . I do not really know. I guess I simply did not want it a part of my blog. I did not want to talk about it. To tell you the truth, I really still do not want to talk about it. 
I was at the office. I was on another call when Randi, our receptionist, came into my office. She said I had another call. She said it sounded urgent. She said it was Daddy. She said he was crying. He always gets up first. When Mom was way past her usual time of getting up, he went to check on her. She had died in her sleep.
When the dust finally settled, I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was getting back to a normal life. I thought I was moving on. I thought wrong. At first, I was focused upon Daddy and how he was doing. I guess that was my way of ignoring how badly I was doing.
It is not like Mom and I were particularly close. Honestly, most days I thought - and still think - that I was a colossal disappointment to her. No matter what I accomplished, she always found a way to tell me I could have done better. She found fault with all my boyfriends, except for The Boyfriend - him she liked. In some ways, I guess they were a lot alike. Therapist suggested that to me. Guess that explains why I sometimes wanted to strangle her and other times wanted to curl up beside her. In short, we were not close.
But life just really began to unravel after she died.


  1. I am very sorry for your loss. Every relationship has its doubts, the strains, the dichotomy of love and distance, but I hope, as time passes, the love wins out and that those are the memories you allow yourself to keep.

  2. So sorry to read about your mother. Mine is not well, and this brought out a lot of feelings I've only rarely allowed myself to mull over. Thank you, tho. I called her today, just to talk.


  3. Advizor: I have missed you too.

    Tori: Thank you. I appreciate you're telling me and wish you all the best w your mom.

  4. My mother passed away when I was 28. She had no husband and my sister and I were too young to really understand how to deal with everything. It took a year for things to settle with property and estate and taxes... (ok after 6 years the taxes still aren't sorted). When things did finally settle, after about a year and a half, that's when my emotions got fucked. I ended up in a therapist's office as well. I had the same doubts and complicated relationship with my mother. I've also written a post about her death, it's still in draft but maybe I should come out with it, force myself to confront it.

    I'm really really sorry you had to go through this, having another parent to look after must also be very difficult. I know that you have the inner strength to deal with it all, but I'm glad you have a therapist that you can talk too. It really does help. ((HUGS))

  5. When my parents died, although I felt sad, especially with my mother's death, I wasn't traumatised. I think that's probably because we did not have a difficult relationship. It seemed quite normal. In my long life I have lost parents, siblings, a wife, three of my seven children and some friends, but I'm ok with it now, I realise death comes to us all.

  6. My wife had a similar relationship with her mom. It has affected her greatly. When you grow up in that environment I think you are left with constantly trying to succeed by other's standards and have a hard time charting your own course. I would urge you to set your own course and define happiness on your terms. But also look back with fondness at the good times. My wife's mom was instrumental in urging her to excell at dance and piano things she treasures now and that she can pass onto our daughters.

    Thanks for sharing.