It's been said by more than one boyfriend, girlfriend, casual friend, and even people I bump into on the street that I think way too damned much. The blog has been helpful - and the friends I have met through it - because I really didn't have anyone to listen to all my thinking. And especially not anyone to listen to the things running through my head of a more adult nature. Despite that, I started wondering if it would have been better to not have posted my thinking about Tree's possible virgin status.
No one has really commented anything to cause me to wonder. It's more me causing me to wonder. I have probably over-analyzed the comments posted here and in email. We won't get into all the reasons why I over-analyze and think things to death; Therapist has already well pointed all those reasons out to me. Debating things in my head allows me to avoid moving forward. I am not bothered by Tree's age which is younger than me. I am not bothered by the things that go w his being just barely into his twenties; living at home and having a limited checking account because he works a part-time job. Why then is my mind racing w debilitating questions on his possible virgin status and probably most of those questions have no real meaning.
So, what do I think are the real questions:
- Do I like Tree?
- If Tree is a virgin, does it really make a difference?
- Would I have slept w him the other night had I not been bleeding so heavily?
The answer to the second question is "I don't know". The answer to the first and third questions though are a loud "yes". So then, should Tree's being a virgin (if he is) really make a difference in whether I would sleep w him or not? I'm thinking not really, it doesn't. Had I not been so red on Valentine's Day, we would most likely have done it in his truck that night and this conversation would now be moot. Aside from not being pregnant, this might be the only other thing I've ever been grateful for because of my period. His truck was certainly not lacking for the passion and romance, but I would still like something w a bit more of an ambiance to it. If we make love then, I don't want it to be rushed, it should be special.
And maybe, at the risk of over-thinking this, I need Tree's first time to be special for me.
I feel pretty confident that he's going to make another move now. Last week, I would not have said that, but on Valentine's Day he tried to initiate things. I was pretty clear that I wanted too and would have if I was not bleeding so badly. I suspect Tree will be all male in remembering that I wanted him also - he probably circled the day my period ended on his calender (it was Saturday for anyone who's wondering). Since Tree is very likely to pursue things, then maybe we should talk.
I've not got a clue how to go about that talk.