Who Would You Invite To Dinner?

An alternative title to this post could be "Rachel Is Being Evasive". I had intended to write a little bit about  life's little, and not so little, happenings which led to my self-imposed exile. I say "intended" because when it came time to actually write something, then I just sat and stared at the computer screen. And the longer I stared, the more frustrated I became with myself. And the more frustrated I became with myself, the more the tonight's blog became torture and the less it was about having fun.  I am sure Therapist will have something to say about this when we talk again.  That is the funny thing about him.  I think I am being evasive (maybe not actually intending to be evasive, but just not really being as painfully open as he is planning) by digressing into some story that seems completely meaningless.  However, Therapist always finds a way to take the most insignificant  story and turn it into a life lesson.  And since lately, those lessons are almost always painful, I am not especially pleased with Therapist's secret power.

 

I tried thinking about something from my distant past that I might like to write about.  I think maybe I have internalized Therapist to some degree though - every distant memory seemed to touch on the present and I just did not want to go there tonight.

 

I guess this is the lesson for tonight - Therapist is getting into my head!!!   He would tell me to just relax and talk about whatever feels right to me.

 

I saw a list of questions in some magazine. I did not feel like answering an entire list tonight, but one question did get me to thinking (thinking about something that was not stressful tonight):

 

Who would I invite to dinner if I could invite anyone in the world, real or fictional, living or dead (I added a clause to this question - let's assume no family members).  I thought I might debate this all night in my head instead of counting sheep tonight when I try - and fail - to sleep.  But my answer comes to me quick .  Tyler Durden.  One, he is the most  interesting fictional characters ever. Two, hello, have you seen what Brad Pitt looked like in that movie.  Tyler Durden for the mind.  Brad Pitt for the body. 

Finding Rachel

I started seeing a therapist.

 

Why? I do not really know. A whole lot of reasons, I suppose, most of which I may eventually get around to telling. I guess I should say I do not know the final reason - the proverbial 'last straw' - which drove me to spilling my guts to a total stranger. I know that I was crying a lot. But crying was better than what I felt most of the time; which is to say that I felt nothing most of the time. I guess you could say that I was either crying or I was numb.

 

Okay, I can hear the questions - what was I crying about. A lot of different things, I suppose, but nothing I really want to talk about just yet. I think I need to work up to that. I would go through the day feeling nothing, for which I was grateful otherwise I could never have made it through the day. At night, I might see something on television that made me sad. I would eventually get all cried out for the night, go to bed, and then start the whole cycle over the next day.

 

I told my therapist that I wanted to feel like I used to feel, except then I said I was not sure I ever felt happy. My head was so messed up that I could not remember ever feeling anything other than sad. Believe me or not, but it was a really big deal for me to tell my therapist my goal really was to feel like I used to feel. It was like I could not remember there was another me before all this gloom.

 

Somewhere in all my babbling, I said I used to enjoy blogging. He asked me about that. I said I just wrote about stuff in my life. It is the only lie I have told to him. Kind of lie I guess I should say; I just did not say what kind of stuff it was that I wrote about. I told him I started blogging to help sort some things out and that I found that I really enjoyed it. He encouraged me to start blogging again if I had enjoyed it. Of course, it is not like he said it and then I immediately started writing. At first I said "no". I kept telling my own self "no", but of course I was secretly writing posts in my head. I guess they really weren't a secret to me, since it was my head, but as I was not actually writing them down, then they did not count. I decided finally to make a few draft posts then, only the realize I had lost my password to my blog (damned laptop with all my passwords had crashed). Multiple attempts later, I finally found Rachel again. Well, I should say I found the blog Rachel again . . .

 

. . . finding the person Rachel is still a work in progress.

 

The Boyfriend's Birthday Present(s) II

Almost naked - I had put a bow over each breast and one between my legs – I came out of the bathroom. Walking casually towards the bed, I then crawled onto it, beside him, and asked what else he would like for his birthday. We have been together a while, meaning that I know him pretty well, so I did not really anticipate an answer. Instead, I began undoing his pants and asked, “Would you like a blowjob”. He was soft and I was actually kind of looking forward to this. I wanted the feeling of getting him hard inside of my mouth. It’s an interesting feeling taking something so soft between my lips and feeling it harden inside of my mouth. I wanted him to watch me, so I made sure to stay on my knees, kind of curled up into a ball beside him, with my hair pulled out of the way, and his head propped on a pillow. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. He was clearly enjoying the visual. If I had any doubt about that, his hardening dick in my mouth made it obvious. We went on like this for a while. He was not making any efforts towards moving me, so I had an idea how this was going to end. Well, I thought resignedly, it was his birthday present after all. I took his dick out of my mouth just long enough to ask, “Did you want to cum in my mouth?” He nodded his head. I stopped because now I wanted a kiss first. Isn’t that just the way of it - Have a pretty girl blowing your dick and she wants to stop for a kiss. I crawled up towards him and gave him a deep kiss. “You’re going to actually have to tell me though”, I said playfully. He was being hesitant, so I simply stayed there beside him on my knees looking into his face, almost nose to nose. I think I even made a funny face. Finally, he said, “I want to cum in your mouth”. I started to move, and then decided to be cruel. “Did you want me to swallow too?” I swear that I heard him groan. Hesitantly, he said, “Rachel, I want to finish in your mouth and I want you to swallow me”. Smiling, I returned to sucking his dick. I moved myself around a bit so I could look up better into his eyes. I do not know, I just wanted to see his face when he came in me. Using my hand as well, I bobbed up and down his length. The pre-cum was my first indication, but his moaning soon spurred me on to go faster. I imagined his putting his hands into my hair and taking over. I never took my eyes off of his which were radar locked onto mine as well. “Cum in my mouth baby, I want to swallow you, I need to swallow you”. A little bit later, a gallon of cum spurted into my mouth, then again, and several more times after that. He closed his eyes after the first explosion. I never closed mine. His entire face seemed so excited and relaxed at the same time.

The Boyfriend's Birthday Present(s)

The Boyfriend rarely makes a clear request about wanting anything special, so when he said he wanted to go away for his birthday, I was stunned speechless. And, to be honest, I believe I was of mixed minds about it; I wanted him to have his wish and, at the same time, I did not really want to go. When the police called to tell me that my parents had been in an accident, we were out the door and on our way to the hospital in moments. It was probably the longest drive of my life. I think it was sometime in the middle of the night when I realized that we were supposed to have been leaving for his birthday trip the next day. And then my emotions came pouring out. I cried to him about our not being able to go, but he was a champ about the whole thing. When the world returned to normal, taking him on his trip was my first order of business. I am not trying to say I make any sense, just describing the craziness in my head.

I made arrangements for a Friday and Saturday night getaway. I really could not tell you if he was excited about his long delayed birthday wish, but I can tell you that I was excited just to be getting out of town and away from everything. When we arrived, I was not surprised to find him more interested in what television stations we got than he was in getting laid. This was not my first rodeo. I have gone away for the weekend before with past boyfriends and most were eager to get me out of my pants within seconds of getting to the room. They usually tried to be romantic and casual about it, like I could not see what was coming next. Harley was possibly the most to the point – that’s the kind of man he was though – he just started undoing my pants and pulling off my blouse. But, please do not misunderstand me; if I was going away with someone, then I was okay with it all. It is just interesting how each man went about it. But, this is the Boyfriend we are talking about. Instead of getting me onto the bed, he sprawled himself out on the bed and began surfing the television.

I am sure that I must have sighed silently.

I went into the bathroom to freshen up. I also got totally naked. I debated for a bit about whether to come out in just my bra and panties, or just my panties, because I always thought a little bit of clothing was sexier. After staring at myself way too long in the mirror, I finally voted for just plain naked. Almost naked - I put a bow over each breast and one between my legs.

Leaving the bathroom, I crawled onto the bed onto my knees and asked him what else he would like for his birthday.

I am learning that most people prefer short blog entries. I am going to try, but if you knew me, then you would know how hard this will be for me. I am just not good at that. This trip did get a bit long and involved – in a good way - so I will break it up into sections.

Coming Back

Hey there,

God has a funny way of letting you know, when you think you are really busy, just ‘how busy’ you really aren’t and, when you think you are stressed out, just how little stress you really do have. Just before I last disappeared, I was complaining – okay, I was whining – about being pulled into too many different directions and to being way over-stressed. A very short time later, I was considering those the good ole days and wishing for them back.

Mom and Dad were in a car accident in another city; a drunk driver T-Boned them at an intersection. They were okay. Well, they survived. The car was totaled. Fortunately, my Dad is old school and has always insisted on driving land yachts. Mom was bruised and cut up, but mostly okay. Dad was a different matter; his hip was busted, his ankle was broken, he had cuts everywhere to the degree that they sometimes are still pulling glass out of him. He was on a ventilator for a little while too. I guess that was when I thought he might die. A few days later, one of the few times she agreed to go home for a little while, Mom had a heart attack. She's okay . . . now. For a while there, I had Mom and Dad each in a different city in different hospitals. Different rehabs, therapy schedules, it went on like this for a long time. Please understand that I am not complaining - I hope it does not sound like I am whining - because they were the ones hurt and I am just grateful they survived everything. They are both at home now and their lives seem to be returning to normal. Anyway, that's where I have been.

Things remain about the same in my life. The Boyfriend was a great help during all of this. However, he remains pretty much as affectionate and caring as he always has been which is to say barely at all. We finally took that birthday weekend trip he had wanted. The weekend we were supposed to go away for his birthday was the same weekend my parents had their accident, so of course it was postponed. I think I am going to try to write about that weekend trip next. It certainly did have its surprises. Things have become strained with Wide Load. Some days, between us, it feels like it always did. Some days, we seem to be in different worlds. We have had some moments, good and bad, about which I will write as well.

Rachel

Boyfriend's Birthday?

I was reminded of Wide Load's birthday because the Boyfriend's birthday is rapidly approaching. I asked him last month if there was anything special he would like? I asked him again this afternoon. I am still waiting on an answer.

Wide Load's Birthday

I slept in this morning. I have the apartment to myself. And I am having a fantastic breakfast – peanut butter on graham crackers. Am I living or what!

I had to go out of town for business this past December and I wanted Wide Load to come with me again. His birthday is in December and I wanted to do something special for him. We stopped for breakfast – nothing nearly as good as peanut butter on graham crackers – and I told him my surprise. I was going to take him into a lingerie store and would buy whatever he liked for me to wear for him. Okay, maybe not the most creative gift in the word and maybe not all that special, but he seemed extremely pleased. In fact, he was ready to get up from breakfast then to go shopping and, if you knew Wide Load, you would know that nothing gets between him and food, so I feeling rather pleased with myself. (I have a picture – which means “yes” that I let him take a picture – and I might upload it, but pictures make me feel embarrassed and this picture really makes me feel self-conscious). Selection made, we finished the drive and I went off to do the work thing. The evening could not arrive fast enough. We went out to dinner and I am sorry for sounding boring, but there is a point to all of this. The waitress was beautiful; short with long black hair. And she was being very attentive to Wide Load. Wide Load was being attentive to me, so I was not really feeling jealous. Instead, and I blame the alcohol for me starting this, I asked him if he wanted a three-way. The previously mentioned alcohol makes it hard for me to remember everything that was said, but I remember the gist of it pretty well. He laughed and said, “Rachel, she is hitting on you, not me”. I think I choked on my drink he got me to laughing so hard with that one. We talked more about threesomes and fantasies. I remember his saying all the right things about not needing another woman when he was with me. He said something about threesomes not being his number one fantasy which then meant that that I had to have him list his fantasies. Someday I may tell you his number one fantasy – after we get around to doing it, that is. We traded telling fantasies, but I told him that I did not believe him about the three-way. He said he would not “REFUSE IT”, but that he would never ask for it either. I smiled at him and said “I’d do it for you”. It was his turn to choke on his drink. We joked around and drank more and I asked him what he wanted from me that night on his fantasy list. He said he wanted the world tour with Rachel. I knew exactly what he meant, but I enjoy hearing him tell me what he wants from me and my body. He wanted to cum in my mouth, my pussy, and my ass that night. Laughing, I told him that we had probably better leave to get started if he wanted to do all that “traveling” in one night. Wide Load got his ‘around the Rachel world tour’ and it was a very long night for me. I say that smiling.