My parents live only a few miles from me; yet we probably see each other less than families with an entire ocean between them. Yesterday, I decide I have put it off long enough and drive over to visit. In the forty-five minutes I was there, my mom felt the need to tell me the following things wrong with me:
- I am fat (trust me, I am not fat).
- My bra was all wrong.
- My hair was too long.
- I am not married (though she likes the boyfriend).
- I am supposedly focusing upon my career when I should be married and pregnant.
- I never went to college.
- Why was I not a nurse or a teacher like I used to talk about becoming?
- I do not visit enough (she has never been to my apartment).
- I do not call enough.
- I was wearing boots she did not like.
- I did not study hard enough in high school.
- My friends were all a bad influence.
And that is only a partial list.
I suppose it should hurt my feelings, but the truth is that I stopped feeling hurt a long time ago. I have always known, on some level, that nothing I do will ever be good enough for her . . . and I suppose that means I can never be good enough for her. I just think that a mom should make her daughter feel good about herself, not about ready to cry every time I leave.
Okay, enough meloncholy. I have many more tales about Harley. Soon, I promise.
Hugs,
Rachel
Hang in there Rach. You have a lot of fans that obviously know you better through here. Ironic yes, but not to be dismissed. You're a good egg :)
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI mainly wanted to say how much I have been enjoying your blog. It's quite honest and refreshing (I found it from a link on Little Red's blog).
As for your mom, I can't say but I do know that a lot of the things that parents do is unintentional. They have forgotten what it was like to be someone's kid and don't realize how much weight their words hold. Hang in there and be yourself.
Something my father once told me: sometimes mothers can feel jealous of your situation. I'm not sure this can apply, I don't know enough. But try to ignore it. She loves you, she is probably trying (in the wrong way) to push you to be as best as you can.
ReplyDeleteRach, I recommend you read the book: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. My girlfriend had the same type of background. She read the book, as did I, to better understand her and the relationship dynamic with her Mother.
ReplyDelete